Exams + No Beautiful Boy = :(

I'm not doing so well.

Haven't properly spent time with the Boyfriend in nearly two weeks and it's been two days now since we realised that we're both going to be stupid busy for the next four weeks. FOUR WEEKS!!! I get palpitations just thinking about it.

I need to study. My exams actually matter this year. They're worth 15% of my degree and considering I threw the first 15% out the window I think I should be studying by now, but I can't.

I need a holiday, or just time off to do NOTHING. To clear my mind. I have long since lost the luxury of being able to think of nothing. I try to work through coursework all day, then I dream about it at night. When I'm not thinking about college work I think about the four long weeks until I get to spend time with the Boyfriend again. Then I worry that he'll be so burned out he'll do his crazy thing where he doesn't do anything or see anyone, and yes, anyone would include me.

I'm no poet, so I'll leave it in the hands of William Henry Davies. This is one of my favourites :)

What is this life if, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare.

No time to stand beneath the boughs
And stare as long as sheep or cows.

No time to see, when woods we pass,
Where squirrels hide their nuts in grass.

No time to see, in broad daylight,
Streams full of stars like skies at night.

No time to turn at Beauty’s glance,
And watch her feet, how they can dance.

No time to wait till her mouth can
Enrich that smile her eyes began.

A poor life this if, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare.

Rugby Retard

Why is it that things always start getting interesting at the end of semester? Absolutely nothing has happened all year (except for aforementioned current beautiful boyfriend) and now, in the LAST week of semester, my failed rugby player ex boyfriend is trying to sweet talk (using that term very loosely) his way back into my life.

Like I said before he's been in Harvard for the last 8 months doing research for a Masters and just got home last week. He's been texting me asking what my problem is and why am I treating him like we're not friends. He said, and I quote,
"We are always gonna be close and you'll have to let him (my boyfriend) know that we are still gonna be friends. And he is gonna have to get used to seeing me around, cause I still care about you and I'm not gonna let you shut me out completely. I'm not gonna try and steal you off him but I at least want to be able to be around you".
This coming from the man who made an hearty attempt to turn our relationship into a series of one night stands. Oh and the reason why he was saying all this is because the first time I saw him since he got back was when I was waiting for my boyfriend to go for tea, and I hadn't gotten round to telling him that ex boyfriend rugby loser was back working in the building. In fact I'd never told him he existed to tell the truth. SO you can imagine that he wouldn't be delighted if he came downstairs to see me being best mates with some random guy he doesn't know only to find out that it's an ex I never told him about who is now back working in the same building as me. I know I'd be a bit weird if he did that!! So I was kind of stand offish with ex rugby loser and he got annoyed about it and sent the above message.

SO I went to see him in his new (crap) office in our building today to set him straight. I quoted the message to him and he basically said I mistook the meaning of the message. I may be wrong but there's not a whole lot ways you can misunderstand a message like that. Told him to back off and how dare he come home after so long away and try to dictate terms of any sort of relationship to me OR tell me that he has rights to me over my boyfriend. That's just not on!! He was all like, "Ugh I didn't mean it like that". Yeah sure you didn't...

One Month

Men.

Best and worst thing about life, without a doubt. Flying high - there's nothing I can't do or nothing I can't be OR crashing face first into the ground in the pouring rain - oh kill me now and be done with it.

It gets to the point in every relationship where you have to decide if it's worth all the little troubles to keep going. Do I cut my losses, take a little pain, and get out while I can? Or do I wait it out and see if it gets better?

Big question for me is why the hell do I always end up with the most fucked up relationships?? Why for once can I not just get a nice normal guy??? WHY??!! Seriously though, I haven't dated anyone in the last 2 years who hasn't turned out to be a commitment freak, a sex freak, an emotional freak, an obsessive freak or just a freak in general.

Two years ago - went out with a failed rugby player for 8 or 9 months. He could bench press a house but he couldn't run ten yards to save his life. Started out really well, we had an alright relationship but of course as all guys do he tried to tilt the scales his way and it got to the point (my fault really) where I had a text on my phone asking me if I wanted to come over for sex because his parents were away for the night. A bit of gravitas please?? I mean, where is the love?? So I ended that, with some heartache on my part it must be said. I did fall for him a bit... So he went off to Harvard there in October to do some research and has just returned home and is trying to worm his way back in, I'll explain about that later... Music that reminds me of him - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JPB3c6E7p44 we used to listen to is when we were studying for summer exams. Right about this time of year actually...

Year and a bit ago - went out with a complete potato head for a couple months. That was actually mostly good fun. He ended it with me however because I tried to insist on a bit more effort on his part on the communications front. A week without trying to contact me is NOT normal. He really got me into Christy Moore though -http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W5fBppsntAE. Trad Irish music is cool I swear!! And oh yeah, he's in my feckin' class. Pain in the hole or what?!

November of last year - dated a guy from the class ahead of me. SO SO cute, really fit, played football, had great fashion sense (should have known from that) and was really attentive etc. Now he didn't turn out to be gay or anything but MY God he started getting way too into me for the short amount of time we were seeing each other (two weeks?!) Literally texts every hour asking me to go for coffee breaks. I ended that one in a bloody hurry. He did have savage music taste though -http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DITsd0u06WQ.

So yeah I've had my fair share of weirdos over the years. Best I can say for them is they liked good music ;) Good job boys!

HOWEVER this guy I'm with now is different. We've been going out now for nearly 3 months and I hope I'm not jinxing it by saying this but it's been mostly perfect... I mean not perfect of course but anything that's gone wrong has been for a reason. Like even though he was busy, he got me the most thoughtful birthday presents. Like I actually think he listens and CARES when I shite on about stuff I like!

He's been unbelievably busy with work recently though and I haven't seen him a whole lot. And I don't think it's going to get any better for another month or so. I'm having a hard time with that. It's a big part of why I started this really! Can't complain to him all the time about it because he is genuinely busy and he is doing his best to keep in touch. Just so hard to be okay with not seeing him when all I want round exam time is to be with him. So I get to complain about it to a computer, it's great!! And maybe a few random strangers, though with the length of this entry I'd be surprised if anyone is reading it. I sure as hell wouldn't.

So in conclusion :) instead of pushing this beautiful man to the point of running a mile in the other direction or getting so pissed off by over-thinking it that I end it myself, I'm going to wait. Apart from the fact that his absence from my life at the moment is for a good reason, he is so worth it. He's probably one of the nicest, funniest guys I've ever met. When I'm with him nothing else matters. I'm simply happy to be. That doesn't happen all that often for anyone so I'm going to wait. Hopefully this summer turns out to be a sunny one. I'm sure looking forward to it.

One month? I can do that, piece of piss!! Watch this space... :)

Fight Like Apes Video Shoot!!

Had possibly the BEST morning ever today! Went to a video shoot for the "Something Global" video shoot by the band Fight Like Apes (next big thing out of Ireland!). Everyone had to video it on their phones or cameras or whatever and submit it at the end. The video's going to be made out of all the different shots the crowd took. Should be interesting... AND AND I got a free signed poster, definitely worth getting up at 9 on a Sunday morning for.

Give the band a listen though, well worth it http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1elMDRZX33c. It's an incredible video.

Going to study now i.e. watch the rest of Marley and Me on tvshack. Enjoy the sun :)

Study?

So exams start on Tuesday the 5th of May. In one word I am SCREWED!! Not only have I not done a tap yet, I don't plan on starting studying properly any day soon either. I don't even LIKE my college course for a start (Chemical Engineering - it's as interesting as it sounds!) It's the most money-driven industry there is. That's stupid, of course all industry is money-driven, but seriously, chemical engineering is one of the worst. I mean the objective is to monopolise on peoples' fatal illnesses, come on!! I don't do money!! I couldn't give a crap if making the reactor tank this much smaller and turning the heat up a degree or two makes us 4 billion dollars a year richer. I DON'T CARE!! I only chose this course because it had the lowest points when I left school and it sounded cool. Don't tell my head of school that though... I'm sure he'd be less than delighted...

Back to the point anyway. Exams. They turn my beautiful, fun-loving friends into hideous, greedy monsters who don't want to go for quick one in the bar. Anything that has that effect one anyone is evil. Total continuous assessment - telling you, it's the way to go.

Truth be told I am going to try to study today. Everyone else can do it, why can't I??

The Beginning

This is the hardest part, the beginning.

I don't know if this is going to be a diary of sorts, an autobiography or a general moan about life. I was going to start a diary but I decided I don't have time to go and buy one (I'm too lazy). So this will have to do. I'm starting it because I think my friends have had enough of my constant complaining and asking for advice. I'm hoping if I write it all down it'll lift itself off my shoulders.

Bottom line is I need someone to talk to who won't answer back, lucky you!

I'm going for breakfast now, the day is sunny and nothing has gone wrong yet. It's a good day.